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copyrighted humor column 'FRACTURED FACTS 700-900 WORDS
" A WHAT IF AND WHY NOT LOOK AT FAMOUS AND INFAMOUS
PERSONS, AND EVENTS, HISTORIC SITES, LEGENDS, MYTHS AND
FOLKLORE. A WEEKLY COLUMN WITH TITLES RANGING
FROM 'THE PLUCK OF THE IRISH " .
TO "BENEDICT ARNOLD-TRAITOR OR VICTIM ? "
AND FROM 'THE FOUR FACES OF RUSHMORE"
TO "DRACULA'S WEDDING RECEPTION."
Fractured Facts
By Ray Fitzgerald
PLUCK OF THE IRISH
You could inscribe on single leaf of a shamrock the
positive contributions of the Irish to the Industrial Revolution. With the
possible exception of John Dunlap of Belfast and his pneumatic tire,
there are not too many Gaelic giants in the Mechanical Inventions
Hall of Fame. That’s is not because of lack of effort, but simply due
to a lack of mechanical aptitude. Granted, thru the ages there been competent
Irish carpenters, carriage repair lads and other assorted talented tradesmen,
they are, however, in the minority.
For eons after eons, Irishmen have introduced a variety of mechanical monstrosities, all doomed from outset to do little more than to gather dust and rust. With consistency and saintly conviction, the sons of Eire have paraded forth their mechanical misfits claiming with certainty the only flaw in their creations is that they are a wee bit ahead of their time.
In language as glorious and grand as the shimmering green of the Emerald Isle
itself, Patrick McCaferty hailed his automatic potato harvester as the greatest
invention of the 19 century. In theory, Patrick’s mechanical marvel did appear to
merit some of his boastful claims, The size of machine alone demanded attention.
The contraption was several feet wide and taller than a tinker on stilts .Powered
by burning peat, a fuel in ample supply throughout Ireland’s bogs, Patrick’s creation was a smoke belching giant. Supposedly, it was capable of not only extracting the potatoes from the ground, but also shearing the skins from the potatoes with surgeon like accuracy and precision.
From a source, still unknown to this day, he easily and quickly acquired sufficient funds to construct several machines. Marketing the machine proved a major obstacle.
The majority of people in Ireland were poor. Some could not afford a pair of shoes let alone the high cost of a machine to pick potatoes. Undaunted, Patrick persevered. He devised a plan that would make his machines available to the Irish community, prove the value of his invention and hopefully generate an interest in the American market place for his device.
It was a simple promotional scheme he titled “The Great Potato Harvest.” He would donate all his machines to anyone who would use it. He was sure this act of
magnanimous charity would result in worldwide fame and ultimately a financial
fortune. Unfortunately, Patrick’s faith proved to be more of misguided pride of
authorship than mechanical and promotional know how.
The Great Potato Harvest was a catastrophic failure. As a great many of the
poor farmers could not read, they could not even begin to understand the ten
volumes of elegantly written instruction and operation manuals that came with each
machine. The potato harvesting machines ran amok all over Ireland. The result was
total destruction of the Irish potato crop and marked the beginning of the Great Irish
Potato Famine.
Shamed and disgraced, Patrick snuck out of Ireland, managing to secure passage on a tramp steamer to America. Instead of realizing his dream of traveling to America. Instead of first class, he had to settle for accommodations, two levels below steerage.
Patrick ultimately settled in Chicago. To hide his past, he changed his name to O’Leary and married. He gave up inventing for over twenty years, but in 1871, he returned to the work bench. Aggravated by his wife’s constant nagging and complaints about milking the family cow, Sean invented a candle powered , automatic milking machine.
A serious situation arose when the family cow, singed by the candle flame, angerly
kicked the milking machine into a nearby haystack and set off a raging fire. After the Great Chicago Fire, Patrick gave up inventing and permanently took up what he
knew best which was writing books in his native Gaelic tongue, books of which not a single copy was ever sold.
The misfortunes that that shrouded Patrick’s career were minor, however, compared to a contemporary, one Michael Doyle. Michael invented and actually tried to patent the double barreled army rifle. Not side by side barrels like today’s modern military rifle, but one barrel that fired forward and another barrel that fired backwards.
Michael’s weapon had a few drawbacks. Although it permitted a soldier to attack
attack in two directions at the same time, it was not suited to crowded military
conditions. It’s usage required not only the memorization of a mammoth set of elegantly written instructions, the rifle itself posed two major dangers, that of either
self destruction or the total elimination of any comrades that stood behind you.
Besieged by a volley of product liability suits by generals and army widows alike,
Michael was forced into bankruptcy.
He vanished from the inventing community. Rumor had it that he fled to a small
nation in northern Europe and is often credited with authoring the epic, Albania war novel, titled “Peace and War.”
Not a single copy of his novel ever sold and the patent on his rifle is still pending.
With the Irish, “necessity is quite often the mother of the unconventional”
copyrighted Janaury 15,2007
